Sandwiches & Privilege

Had an amazing conversation with my 8 yo in the car tonight. We were at a Subway restaurant where there were several frustrating dynamics occurring simultaneously. As we arrived at 8:15/8:20 we were told they only had two types of bread left, then 8:25ish as we sat down with our meal they asked a group of people at two tables next to us to please leave since they weren’t paying customers and only there for the wifi. They also asked those of us who were paying customers to eat quickly and wrap it because they were closing the restaurant due to bread shortage. At 8:35 some young men were still at the table studying and the employees again told them they needed to leave since they hadn’t purchased anything. One of the guys called the employee names using derogatory words and said he was staying until 9pm because that is what the sign says and their power was out and they needed to complete an assignment. The male employee threatened to call the cops and there was more interaction. Eventually the quiet guy offered to buy a drink and they refused to serve him because of the friend’s attitude. 

While that interaction was occurring there was a homeless woman also in the restaurant who spoke up loudly saying “Guys, Burger King is open for awhile so just go there” they argued about whether or not there was wifi and decided to stay and stand their ground until police showed up. 

There was a point the women got up and went over to the drink area and grabbed a bunch of sugars. The female employee started yelling from behind the counter “Lady, lady, you need to stop and get out of here”. Then some device she was carrying dropped and the batteries fell out near us, Katie helped pick up the pieces. Meanwhile I could hear the employee loudly commenting to other customers that she came in to buy a drink and then continues to sneak over for more and is just drinking and drinking the water. 

At 8:40, a customer who just got his food (and likely the last load of sandwich bread) sat down at the table next to us and as he was going to bite his sandwich the woman employee came over and said “Sir you need to leave now because we have no more bread and are closing the store.” The man looked up and asked “Seriously?” and she said “Yes, we are closing the store you need to leave” and she gave me a look as well. So he got up and left annoyed and I wrapped up our food and told Katie we needed to go. She asked “Why – didn’t they say the are open until 9p?”. She is loud in her questioning and kept asking Why mommy? And as we went out the door I said “You can ask them if they want, but they say we can’t stay because they are out of bread.” 

At 8:43 we were in our car and they had turned out their lights and the young study buddies were still there. Katie noticed and wondered if the police were going to come and she called the Subway employees evil meanies. 

From there on our drive home we talked about why the Subway employees were upset about the wifi non-paying customers and the homeless woman. She wondered why employees at restaurants haven’t asked her to stop when she took extra sugars for her lemonade and I said it was likely because they assumed your family had money to pay and a knowingly homeless person gets judged differently because there is assumption they don’t have the money to be paying customers. She asked why they couldn’t give wifi to someone whose power was knocked out by the weather. She asked why places can’t let homeless people stay in when it was cold – we talked about various perceptions in society and different reactions. We also talked about some models of businesses who do choose to help or offer assistance and how sometimes there are a few persons unfortunately abuse and take advantage of the offering that kind of ruins it for others.

Another part we talked about was how to be arm respectful customer if you are not being treated well. For instance I think the study buddies were rude, but the Subway employees didn’t exactly have the best behavior either. 

I love my daughter’s heart. I told her even though we don’t always have the extra money for things we do have a home, food, cars, jobs, school, and this makes us rich compared to others. This gives a privilege and it isn’t something we are always aware of. Of course there are privileges we don’t have but we have more privilege than others. I talked with my 8 yr old about the privilege she has and how we need to be aware how people see us compared to others and we need to be aware so that we can speak up for injustices or learn how to right wrongs and difficult privilege-based situations in society. She wants to be a change maker and I pray her heart won’t be jaded. 

Insecurities and Being Mom to Active Girls

I keep thinking I’m getting better at not being  competitive or anxious mother, and then something happens with my daughters and I realize I have all the feelings of anxiety turned up on high and wonder how in the world did I allow myself to get there?

I think I land in a space with other parents who are ramped up for their children and it rubs off on me. Plus, all my own insecurities and experiences from childhood pop up and I reflect them on my girls – despite all the times I tell myself I’m NOT going to do that. It just happens and takes me by surprise!

This month is intense for me as mom and Doug as dad. Some people might ask “why do you let yourself get SO busy” and it just works out that these middle two weeks of March are the moment at which every activity collides and all chaos ensues in our household – including my competitive parenting anxiety.

• So softball started up last week for both girls – check!
• It is girl scout cookie selling season – thankfully only for one girl this byear – check!
• The school play in a week auditions (wondering if they’ll get in or not)/rehearsals/performance – check!
• Getting close to martial arts testing for one girl – check!
• School music concerts galore for both girls – check!
• colds and ear infections keeping kiddos home from school – check!

Then let’s add mom and dad’s list:

• Final papers, group projects, and take-home essay exams two weeks for my seminary program – check!
• Structural engineering season in full swing meaning extra pay (yay!) and extra hours for Doug at work – check!
• Easter is coming in a few weeks (ministry fun times for our family!)
• Washing machine dead and finding time to bring in a repair person, order parts, bring in repair person again – check! (thank God for generous neighbors sharing their machines!)
• Doug is semi-acting as interim interim church choir director for our church choir
• Doug is coaching Katie’s softball team
• We decided on no nanny this year to save some money, which means Doug is coming home early when I have my classes in the evenings twice a week

Um… there is more, there has to be because that is just how our life works in March! Can I apply the “March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb” weather metaphor to our family life?

I’m noticing the parent list is a little longer than the kids list – ha! What the heck am I worried about then when it comes to our girls? It is interesting because when I think about my childhood experiences growing up – I tried for several things and I was ‘OK’ but not ever really the best at anything. I was involved in a lot of activities but I was going to places where people encouraged me to try or empowered me in leadership. It wasn’t perfection but I’m glad I had opportunities to learn – sometimes very painfully – about myself. Most of the things I did on my own volition as result of being a child of a single parent family and my mom rarely was able to be a part of my activities either because she worked full time at the hospital or finances. My dad usually lived too far away to participate. Maybe I had to prove myself by just trying and seeing if I could actually do something.

I wonder if because I don’t expect perfection from my children – just want to see them do the best for themselves even if they aren’t the best at what they do? And when they are good at what they are doing, because I have a hard time having confidence in my own abilities, I have difficulty accepting and allowing myself to believe they truly are talented at what they do. I think I also get anxious and competitive when I see it in other parents because I’m a people-pleaser and I want others to accept and like my kids – even if they aren’t the best at whatever activity they are pursuing.

Maybe competitive isn’t even the right word to use, maybe concerned is a better word. I’m concerned that my children get to have a variety of experiences, I’m concerned that they have a positive experience or at least a parent or other trusted adult to fall back on who will still accept and encourage them even when they aren’t the best – I think this is what I missed sometimes in my own childhood activities, even with plenty of mentorship in faith and getting through school. I do remember my mother wanting us to do well and was sometimes sad if we weren’t the best and sometimes upset at the one who did better – usually because of their standing in society. I wonder if I reflect my standing in society  that I sometimes think people don’t know what to do with – mom, church childrens and youth minister, and now forever seminary graduate student – and worry how that affects my children’s abilities in their activities. So I play the comparison and anxiety game without realizing until it is too late.

Goodness, the things we deal with as parents, without even realizing it, when dealing with the rest of our family’s happenings!

Praying for peace for this annual season of chaos. Amen

Lent De-clutter Day 2

I’m going to keep photo sharing and blogging through this as much as possible. Not to brag but to publicly hold myself accountable and have something to show myself in the end. 

Day 2 and I’m still here, I often will forget and then day 2 becomes day 3! I also have a large seminary assignment and some other family details (daughters class Valentines and one of them has a big school presentation due tomorrow). 

Embarrassing that our house gets so gross when we are busy. But this is the clutter I cleared while praying today. It is NOT the same side table from Day 1, but the twin. I find it ironic that I was first drawn to the clutter surrounding these two pieces of furniture. They belonged to my Grandma Bette. Bette is my mother’s mother who passed away just over 15 years ago. 

I have difficult memories with my grandmothers, not abusive just not many happy or great memories with them. If there is anything positive that came from them it is that my parents despite divorce, distance, and other difficulties make up for the lack of relationship by keeping in touch and connecting with my daughters, nieces, and nephews to the best of their abilities. My daughters know they are loved by their grandparents – something I felt my grandparents felt they were forced to try to do. I am grateful for my parents and their love for my children. 

Wow. All that from a set of old brown side tables that used to smell like cigarette smoke!

#Lent2016 #declutter #sabbath #worship #hospitality #formyfamily #focus 

 
In memory …  

Saying Goodbye to the School Year

Ah the emotions that come with the end of the school year.

Katie had kindergarten “graduation” today and is sad that tomorrow is the last day with a great teacher and class. She is nervous to be a first grader. Which is the same thing that happened when she transitioned from PreK to Kindergarten. She went kicking and screaming from one awesome experience to another. Katie has had her ups and downs with friendship, staying quiet in class, and trying to put more words than colorful drawings on her weekly journal entries. Math has come easy for her, reading has been rocky but she’s starting to love it, and writing/spelling is not her strong suit but she still gives us little notes and makes lists all the time.

Ellie doesn’t want tomorrow (last day of school) to come because one of her really good friends is leaving our school. She has shed a lot of tears over this. A LOT. I want her to just accept it and get over it (because the distance between Bothell and Lynnwood is not very big). But, I have to bite my tongue and let her grieve and try to give her hope for the future. She says it isn’t fair, every year since Kindergarten (she’s finishing 3rd grade)a really close friend has moved away from her. I prayed with her asking God to help her stay connected with her friend, but also to help her open her heart to allow others to be friends with her. I’m a little concerned she might simply shut down and not let others get close because she is afraid she’ll lose them. Alas, on to the fourth grade for Ellie

My emotional tank has given a lot to them and I know they still will need more listening, consoling, hugging, encouraging, and glimmer of hope tomorrow morning and night.

My baby is SIX!

I can’t believe my little Katie-bear is six years old already! I’m a week late on the post, but she was born at what is a busy time of year for all of us!

The day she was born she was five days late of her due date, but she popped out like a flash and we’ve been trying to keep up with her ever since! I have told a few people that I am so thankful for her to be turning six, because there is something about being five that makes little girls SO difficult to live with – happened with Ellie as well. I think it is because everyone makes “5 years old” into “you’re a BIG kid now!”.So they take it to heart and exercise their BIG KID card whole-heartedly. While I’m glad to be moving out of that 5 year old phase, I’m somewhat bittersweetly wanting to hold on to her being little because she’ll always be my baby and she ‘s my youngest and five is the end of toddler clothing and toy sizes!

Katie has grown a lot this year –

Kindergarten: She is one of the youngest in her class, but her preschool teachers were confident she was Kindergarten ready. She has had a few struggles with reading and writing – but the last month she has really taken off and is starting to do a lot better.

Anyone who has been around her in a classroom or church setting knows that she is LOVES coloring. She colors with an amazing vengeance and it difficult at times pulling her out of her coloring world in to experiencing the other parts of life with the rest of us! I love her determination and wanting to complete a project.

She also is very much a self-starter, and she doesn’t wait for permission to get started on something. Katie just sets her mind on a goal and gets the job done.

Currently she is playing the Wii – her favorite game is Build-A-Bear Workshop – reading the words on the screen and winning puzzle pieces and accessories. I love her independence.

Activities she has participated in – in addition to school and Sunday school – are Martial Arts at wolf pup level, piano lessons (from barely knowing ABC’s to reading notes and counting!), singing in Kids Choir at church, participating in Kids Care Club at school, and sharing the role of “field cone crew” with another young sibling for Ellie’s softball team. Katie also love Candy Crush and Hay Day on the iPad. So if you see my name in the rankings with funky scores or actions… it is her doing!

Love you Katie-bear. Happy Birthday Baby!

Dignify Anyone in a Few Seconds

Photo courtesy of NBC

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/23/disney-world-security-guard_n_1695034.html

I love the photo in this article! Not because it is DisneyLand, or a princess, but because someone is taking their job just a step further out of the box (in a positive, non-creepy way) to tell children they are important and loved.

My mind just naturally starts asking:

* What if we could make sure every child knew they were noticed and loved (not necessarily a famous prince or princess) simply – acknowledged?

* What if we did this with everyone – teens, young adults, middle-age adults, older adults, the “untouchables” in our community?

How much better a place this world would be? Give some one a smile, hello, hug, or high five today!

 

Rest In Peace “Sticker” the Plecostimus – childhood pet death

Our eight year old daughter has gone from complete joy to utter disappointment and grief in a span of a week. She acquired her first aquarium from “Santa” at Christmas. A few days later we ventured to PETCO to guide her in choosing some fish for her tank. We talked with a “fish specialist” who was very helpful – and we talked with one at another store when purchasing the aquarium kit. She first chose a Marble Molly and a Common Plecostimus (little tiny catfish that can grow up to 2 feet long!). We have done everything they told us and Ellie has been responsibly caring for her pets every single day. We also have a cat, a box turtle, and have pet sat for neighbors, but this is her first pet she isn’t sharing with family.

Unfortunately, I think we unintentionally starved the plecostimus she affectionately named “sticker” because it just stuck to the ground and side of the tank eating up algae. There likely wasn’t enough algae and I looked up more information to find a few more things Sticker required that we hadn’t been told. This is how we learn.

This is first death of a pet in our household (she is aware of family and friends who have died, so not a first death experience for her). I asked what Ellie would like to do with the fish and she said “bury him”. My husband suggested a “burial at sea” via toilet might be appropriate for a fish and she just glared at him. So with trowel in one hand, and deceased fish in a ziplock container in the other hand, she dug a little hole in our backyard. As Ellie put Sticker’s body in the hole, I asked everyone to share their favorite memories of our short time with this little fish, then we said a prayer thanking God for allowing him to be in our family for a little bit. I mentioned that stickers will help fertilize the yard and bring new life in the spring. My husband tried not to laugh at me, then we walked back up our house with our arms around Ellie. She did very well, and tomorrow we’ll look for another Plecostimus and try again at our new life as fish owners.

Rest In Peace Stickers. Know you were loved by a sweet little girl named Ellie.

A Note to my 15 Year Old Self

I saw several blogposts and articles fly by on Facebook and Twitter today regarding International Day of the Girl. Even on the radio I heard talk show hosts sharing what they would tell their 15 year old self. So this is what I would say to my 15 year old self … 20 years later:

* I know everyone makes fun of you being skinny, brush it off , they still make fun of us. Mom says that will change when we are 40. Maybe then we’ll weigh enough to give blood (115lbs). And don’t worry about not being able to donate those blood cells – there are plenty of other ways that you can be there for and help others.

* Soon your mother will remarry and it won’t be easy – don’t get so mad at her if you can help it, she is just trying to get through life just the same.

* When people tell you that your younger sister is cutting classes and hiding out in the bathroom – go get her and let your parents know. When you are worried about her, don’t be afraid to confront her – she needs to know she is loved – And it is your business.

* That prayer/wish you made on a star a few years ago – to have a relationship/marriage opposite of your parents and your parents’ parents – so far it has come true for 16.5 years (4.5 yrs dating + 12 yrs marriage).

* You want to prove that you are so much more than a scrawny little girl whose parents divorced and have very little money — don’t let your first boss get you down, it is actually depression and not the real you who gets you to work and school late. It may follow you I to adulthood – don’t be ashamed – get some help when you think you need it. Just because yours may not be as deep as other family members’ is it still worth finding healing.

* It is OK to be a kid, even though you’ve always had to be the grown up for others. You are not responsible for the feelings and actions – you cannot fix everyone – nor should you try.

* When the internet becomes accessible junior year – don’t give out your phone number on that bulletin board and don’t call him – even if he says it is OK to call collect. So not worth the drama. AND be aware of how expensive every hour in the internet is in the 1990’s – otherwise you will spend you whole summer working for a paycheck to pay the hundreds of dollars you owe your mother for the bill.

* Watch out for that guy from the hospital (Stay clear, you said no — thank goodness because the creep got someone pregnant a few months later).

* Don’t look for love and approval from others to validate who you are – And don’t get mad or so embarrassed when people compliment you. Let them, it will do wonders for your self esteem – and theirs.

* Turn in your homework assignments on time – and don’t get discouraged by your 9th & 10th grade English teachers, somehow you manage to do alright later. Also, you don’t have to push yourself to do well in science and math if you aren’t able – just do your best – it might help you chair a science night for your daughters’ elementary school but med school is not where you are heading.

* Listen to your pastor and all those others guiding you towards ministry – maybe even pursue seminary ASAP – we are still waiting to get there. Someday it will happen, but for now A bachelor’s in ministry will suffice. People believe in you – really they do – believe in yourself as much as you believe in God and as much as you believe the awesome potential everyone else holds in their lives. It is kind of a love yourself like your neighbors situation (yes, I twisted that verse around!).

* Choose community college over private college when your mother says she can’t afford to take out loans – you can still go far even though PLU provided you with some of the most amazing friendships, advisors, and growing experiences in your life … Including meeting your husband. Trust that God will provide, so you’re not having to be in debt forever.

* You don’t have to over extend yourself to hide from your troubles at home, while it is painful to be there – you’ll wish you had been around more to get to know your family. While you have a great résumé of experiences and you manage to not drink, smoke, experiment with drugs, and even stayed a virgin until you we’re married – you became addicted to busyness and missed out developing a hobby (other than volunteering) and still struggle with learning how to slow down.

Ahhh. There is so much more I want to say to you, but you’re not the night owl you used to be 20 years ago. Occasionally on a youth retreat, but you’ll find yourself making up this lost hours of sleep as an adult.

((Hugs and hang in there))

So If I Keep Asking God, Then He’ll Give Me an iPod??

I taught a Bible lesson about praying and asking and trusting that God will provide – to 2nd and 3rd grade children today.

My daughter, Ellie, was in the group and asked, “So if I keep asking God for an iPod touch then I’ll get one?”. I answered something along the lines of ‘not necessarily, and even though those kids if things are really cool, it is not something we absolutely need to live. God provides what we need to live – food,water, shelter, and love from other people.”

I was re-telling this story to one of our young adult team members and said ” and of course it was MY child who asked this”. Saying that may have Insinuated that I couldn’t believe my daughter, as the daughter of and children/youth minister asked this question. I kind of joked about it in that sense. For some reason I just realized what I could have been saying in that moment – “my kid doesn’t get it” or “I’m so embarrassed she asked that question”.

In actuality, I love the question because it helped me realize their reality and put this lesson into perspective for them.

What I’m realizing is I re- told this story to someone who is a pastor’s daughter. It made me wonder if she has heard her parents make a similar comment about her childhood faith questions. In wonder what their response was when she has asked such questions. My hope is that they didn’t say “Can you believe MY kid asked that question about God?” with embarrassment as it may seem I responded. My hope is they responded the way I need/ed to, “that’s an excellent question” and telling others “I love the question my child asked – because it means she’s questioning and figuring out what it means to believe in and follow Jesus”.

I may owe my daughter an apology and an assurance that her questions are not dumb. In fact they are very timely and helpful.

Woke Up to this Cutie

I want to say today, but yesterday I woke up to this sweet angel our bed. It was 6:30 a.m., she was all dressed in her favorite sweater, brushed hair with butterflies headband, and even a bit of lip gloss brightening up her smile. She was especially bright and bushy tailed because she had been visited by the tooth fairy over night due to losing her 7th tooth the night before.

I can’t even believe we actually pulled it off this time -,the tooth fairy gig, I mean. I get so anxious going in her room and am convinced each time we go in will be the last. Alas, she forgets any random middle of the night encounter and is thrilled the tooth fairy visited her yet again. Of course, there have been a night or two where tooth fairy went to sleep or forgot to get change for a $5 and we scrambles to come up with some good reason why she didn’t visit.

Ah the wonder and simple moments of being a child while a messy and complicated world surrounds you.